The Harpischord Runner
by Elliot Pole
Summary: Phineas and Ferb are arrested because it is illegal to own a pet platypus.


**Author's Notes**: I was checking online to see if there are any real pet-stores that sell platypuses for people to adopt. One source said that it is illegal to have a pet platypus because it is supposed to live in a wild habitat. I know that this is probably a falsity; after all, it was said by some random person on the Internet who might not even know what they're talking about. However, I thought it would be neat to see what would happen if Phineas and Ferb were arrested for owning a pet platypus, and here is what I came up with.

**The Harpischord Runner**

**Chapter One**

There was a loud pounding at the door. Candace started to open it, not even looking at who it was. Her back was to the door and she exclaimed in the direction of the living room, "And if I see protractors on that table when I get in there, I'll have Mom come back early from her trip to the dairy factory and she will not be happy!"

She turned around and her eyes opened wide in surprise, for there was a police squadron there.

"Is this the Flynn-Fletcher residence?" asked the leader of the squadron.

"It might be. But I'm not sure. I don't live here. I'm the maid."

"And you don't know who your employer is?"

"They pay me in cash, not checks."

"I see," said the leader of the squadron.

Phineas and Ferb walked in and Candace slipped away as Phineas said, "Good morning, officer. Is there something I can help you with?"

"We're looking for the Flynn-Fletcher family. Do you know them?"

"Yeah, they're us. I'm Phineas, this is Ferb."

"Where are your parents?"

"Dad is giving a lecture on antiques, and Mom is visiting a dairy factory."

"We'll nab them when they get here. Right now you are under arrest."

"What? Why?"

"It is illegal to own a pet platypus," said the leader of the squadron. "They must have a wild habitat or they perish early."

"But Perry has lived with us for years and nothing has happened to him yet."

"And, actually," said Ferb, "it is a proven fact that platypuses live longer in captivity than they do in the wild."

"I make the calls here! And anyway, it says on this document I have here signed by the House of Representatives, countersigned by Congress, and vetoed by the President, that anyone with pet platypuses is to be arrested for cruelty to animals."

"If it was vetoed by the President, it is invalid," said Ferb.

"Vetoed means that the President approves of it," said the leader of the squadron. "Did you fail your middle school civics class or something?"

"Actually, Ferb and I haven't been to middle school yet," Phineas said.

"Well, shucks be timbers to you hooligans. Let's go. The jailhouse will be your home for the next eighty-two years."

"Wow, didn't know we'd get such a long sentence for so small a crime."

"Cruelty to animals is _not _a small crime! It is inhumane. Inhumane acts deserve long punishments."

Phineas and Ferb looked gloomily at each other. This squadron was one difficult guy to crack.

"If you please sir," said Phineas, "we once built a machine that allowed us to understand what animals were saying."

"So that you could better understand how much pain they were feeling when you tortured them?"

"My brother and I are not sadistic in the way of fauna. In fact, I doubt there is a single sadistic bone in our bodies," said Ferb.

"Did you use this machine on your pet platypus?"

"Yes," said Phineas.

"And did you listen to what it told you?"

"No, because our machine stopped operating properly by the time we were ready to hear what Perry had to say."

"Convenient for you, eh? You didn't have to listen to your platypus say how much it feels confined in a house during the day and can't live out in the open fields."

"Well, we keep him inside during the day because that is proper care of a pet platypus."

"There _is _no proper care of a pet platypus because having platypuses for pets isn't proper!"

"Ferb's cousin Eliza knows all about being proper, and she didn't say anything about us having a pet platypus not being proper."

"Look kid, I have a schedule to run. I have to arrest ninety-four people in the tri-state area today and I'm not too happy about it."

"Isn't it possible that the people you are arresting aren't happy about it either?"

One of the members of the squadron blinked at Ferb. "Aren't you a little young to be engaging in didactics?"

"Yes, yes he is," said Phineas.

"Will we get back to the important matter here?" said the leader of the squadron. "Seriously, my sister is marrying a tiger at six p.m. tonight and she literally will kill me if I'm not present at the wedding, so I need to get to arresting those people real quick if you catch my drift."

"Well, see," said Phineas, "you can arrest us, but what are you going to do about all the people in Danville? Many of them have pet platypuses."

"Everyone in Danville is arrested!"

Someone whispered in the squadron leader's ear.

"Okay, everyone who has pet platypuses in Danville is arrested, not the entire city. Good thing too. If I did arrest everyone in Danville, I'd definitely be late for my sister's wedding and I'd be a corpse tomorrow."

"Well, at least Candace got to go free," Phineas whispered to Ferb, as the squadron marched them down the driveway toward a vehicle that looked like it was meant for dog catchers to store strays rather than cart offenders of the law in.

"Who's Candace?" asked one of the squadron members. This guy only had one ear. Where his other ear was supposed to be, there was a spoon covering a hole, with the spoon handle dangling down.

"Our sister," Phineas said. "I suppose that you aren't arresting her because she wasn't involved much with keeping Perry. Which is sort of true, though it was thanks to her singing that Perry came home when he was lost."

The squadron leader snapped his fingers. "Boys, go find their sister. And leave the maid alone."

"Maid? We don't have a maid."

"You mean your sister lied so that we wouldn't arrest her? That's against the law! I'll have her arrested!"

"But you're already intending to arrest her."

"So I am. But now she'll be doubly arrested."

Ferb shrugged when Phineas gave him a questioning look. The leader of the squadron was a little cuckoo.

The other members of the squadron searched the house except for the leader of the squadron, the guy missing an ear, and the guy who had asked Ferb if he was too young to be a master of didactics. A few minutes later, the other members of the squadron emerged from the house, empty-handed. Except for one guy with a long black beard, who had a box of Vanilla Wafers in his hand. He was munching them.

"You didn't find her?" the leader asked.

"No, she escaped."

"Well, be on the lookout for her when we make our other arrests. Let's see, that's ninety-four arrests plus all the platypus-pet owners…it'll take a long time before I get ot my sister's wedding. I hope she doesn't have her groom eat my body after she kills me."

They had just reached the end of the driveway when Isabella appeared.

"Hey, Phineas. What'cha doing?" She was frowning at the sight of the squadron.

"Getting arrested."

"What is your offence?"

"Cruelty to animals," said the leader of the squadron.

"That's ridiculous! Phineas would never hurt animals! Ferb had a pet lizard named Steve once."

"_Had_. Past tense. So you admit that Ferb killed him," the squadron said. Someone else was scribbling in a notebook, jotting down everything Isabella said.

"No, he didn't kill him! Steve met a girl lizard and she didn't want to stay with Ferb, so Steve went away to be with her. It was a heart-breaking moment."

The scribbler did not write these words down. He only wrote down things people said which he could use against them in a court of law.

"Oh, I know you," said the leader of the squadron. "You're Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, who has a pet Chihuahua named Pinky."

Isabella nodded. "So?"

"It is illegal for girls under the age of sixteen who aren't movie stars to have pet Chihuahuas."

"You just made that up."

"No, it's in the rulebooks."

"Since when?"

"Since I said so! Arrest her!'

Two men grabbed Isabella, one of them giving her a nasty grin.

Buford showed up with Baljeet in his nerd carrier. "What's going on?"

"Oh, we're just getting arrested. Nothing unusual," Isabella said.

"Hey, do you have a human boy in that cat carrier?" asked the squadron-leader.

"Yes."

"It is illegal to keep humans for pets."

"It's just bully protocol."

"Whatever. You're under arrest."

One of the men took the nerd carrier. Buford was shoved into the stray wagon.

Phineas and Ferb were thrust into the truck too. The men holding Isabella took a little longer to let her go, a trifle of a second longer.

"What about me?" Baljeet asked from his carrier.

"You're under arrest for letting that bully put you into a cat carrier."

"That's insane! I didn't do anything!"

"You are perpetuating the idea that it is okay to visit cruelty upon animals. Luckily, we won't even have to pull you out of the cart when we get to the prison, since you already are in a cage."

"I'm going to be left in here? Doesn't that make you perpetuating the idea that it is okay to visit cruelty upon animals?"

"No, because you are not an animal. And you ought to know the difference."

The leader of the squadron tossed the nerd carrier into the back of the truck, hitting Isabella on the head.

"Ow!" she yelled.

"Sorry, Isabella."

"It's not your fault, Baljeet. It's those rotten policemen with their misconceived notions about what it means to be cruel to animals!"

"We know you would never harm Pinky," Phineas said, patting her arm. "Some people are just…whacko."

"Why haven't we started moving yet?" Ferb asked.

Just then, the doors opened again, and this time Lawrence was thrust inside. "Oh, hello boys. It seems we're under arrest."

"So we are," Buford said.

"Well, I guess that means I don't have to prepare my lecture notes tonight."

The truck thrust forward. Everyone went banging in all kinds of directions. Phineas tried to reach for Isabella's arm at one point but instead got Buford's knee because of all the jerking of the van.

"At least Mom and Candace are safe," Phineas said.

"For now," said Ferb.


End file.
